Reflected in the Mirror

Written for me by Listening for Answers on my birthday:

Sitting quietly, she stares at the face that the mirror tells her is her own. Her eyes start at her soft hair falling in easy curls around her shoulders. It's brown and she thinks that's alright; it's a nice shade that fits easily into the colors of autumn. Her eyes shift to a picture she keeps in a simple frame next to the mirror. She and her closest friend have collapsed on the ground in a fit of laughter, and her hair is splayed beautifully among the fallen leaves. The gold and red look as if they've been waiting for this moment from the instant their stems left the branches. She thinks that maybe October is her favorite month because that's when the trees change their colors to blend in with her.

As the memory fades and she returns to her previous scrutiny, the mirror reflects eyes that say more than words ever could. Even when she's alone, staring back at only herself, they seem to reveal her soul with ease. Her eyes are the same color as her hair, but then they are so much deeper; without any effort at all they see right through to the core of everything they focus on. She knows - because she's been told all her life - that people feel it when she looks at them just as much as they see it.

Those eyes in the mirror shift again to focus now on a soft smile. She tests out that grin that people love to see, and her lips curve gently around it. This is the smile that brings warmth to people's hearts. And the words that have the privilege to be spoken from it fill the small room as she begins to speak quietly.

These words she used to need to hear are said again now more as tradition than required encouragement. The instant the spotlight warms her face, she is exactly where she needs to be. Comfort allows her to become the person that those faces all staring at her have come here tonight to see. The words she will speak then will flow from the very heart of her, and no one will be able to tell that she once learned them from something so ordinary as paper.

As she comes to the end of her recitation, she looks harder into the mirror for a glimpse of that which she leaves behind every night, but picks up again after the curtains have been lowered and the lights dimmed. She sees herself, the true heart of who she is when no one is watching her or expecting anything from her.

She sighs with a hint of relief that she can still find herself reflected in the mirror.

Cycle

It is interesting to me how much a cycle life can be. You’re born wearing diapers and die wearing diapers. You need to be carried as a baby and as an elder. Babies need to be fed and so do the elderly. People are happy to feed a baby and watch them spit up. People are happy to hold and carry babies because they are cute and lovable. People are sad to feed and hold an elder person because they know this is close to the end. I am not exactly sure the point in saying any of this. This is just something I have seen recently.

My grandma can no longer care for herself. She wears diapers and needs to be fed and carried. Does it make me sad, I don’t know. Every time I think about it, it brings tears to my eyes, but I don’t think it makes me sad that she is dying. I think I am more sad for her. Will she ever know what she missed in my life and my brother’s life? I miss family gatherings surrounding her because my dad waits until the last minute to tell me they are gathering. I am not going to drop everything. I am going to live my life towards her the way she chose to live her life towards me. She had the opportunity to be in my life. She had the opportunity to call me and come see a soccer game or two. She had all the chance in the world to be a part of my life and my brother’s life. But what did she do instead…she chose to play cards and be with her friends. I know I need to be the bigger person and forgive her as she lay on her death bed, but I cannot bring myself to do it. I cannot bring myself to care about her when she never cared about me. I don’t understand how I ever could.

The only thing she talks about now is being with family. Maybe she is trying to redeem herself. Maybe it’s too late. I will be sad to see her go. I will be sad to see a woman with such an amazing past leave this earth. She led an amazing life before she moved to the US. Without her, I would not be here. I appreciate her life and what she has done, but I will never forgive the neglect she showed towards her grandchildren. I’m sorry dad. I am sorry that you will lose your mother soon, but I cannot bring myself to love her now. I will ball like a baby when she finally does leave us, but mostly because I am sad for you and what she could have had.

All The Leaves

California has one season. Summer. We all know this. This is the reason some of us stay in California. We don't like the cold. I am one of those people. Give me sun or wrap me up. Even though I'm not one for the cold, I still enjoy seeing a leaf fall every once in a while. I would love to play in a pile of leaves. Who wouldn't. But here's the thing. How many piles of leaves do you see in LA? Not many. You want to know why...because people in LA freak the hell out when they find a leaf on their sidewalk. They grab a broom and sweep it up as fast as you can say Fall. Next time you see a leaf. Crunch it and enjoy. Or kick it along with you. Let others enjoy the beauty. We are all just so quick to discard before we even allow ourselves time to capture the beauty. Capture the beauty California. Allow yourselves to soak in the sun. Don't take it for granted. And when another season decides to show itself, hold it tight and don't let go. Take a leaf in your hands and admire the creation. Step away from the broom.

The Faces

Great, there is a crap load of traffic. It’s Tuesday. Shouldn’t people have the day off today, it’s inauguration day. Shit it’s already 8:30 and I’m barely off the freeway. 8:45, why is the street closed off…ugh shit. Oh my god look at all the people. Duh, why didn’t I think of the fact that they could possibly show the inauguration on the LA LIVE screens? Hello that is a perfect way to get people down here. Wow look at all the people waving the American flag.

When I was in high school, my theatre teacher told the class an amazing story that I will never forget. A mother took her child to the theatre for the first time to see a TYA (theatre for young audiences) show. She told the child to sit still, be quiet, and watch. What she forgot to specify was the fact that her child needed to watch the SHOW. She looked over at her child half way through the show and noticed that they were watching the audience and not the show. After the show, her child was amazed at the audience members and their reactions.

I was that kid today. I watched the crowd more than I watched Obama’s speech. I have no idea what he said. All I know is that the audience had the most amazing reactions. Some were crying, some were smiling, and some were completely glowing. I will never forget the way the crowd came together today and the looks on all of their faces. I was so happy to be out in the crowd just to see the faces of everyone around me.

Shut Out

Just because things seem to be going sour doesn’t mean that you can shut out the world. Just because you feel you don’t have anyone to turn to doesn’t mean you can shut out the world. Pick up your head and wipe your tears. There is an entire world out there ready to help. Ready to wipe your tears. Don’t shut them out. Just because you feel like you need to focus doesn’t mean you can shut out the world. Just because you feel sad on the inside and strong on the outside doesn’t mean you can shut out the world. Take a deep breath and open your eyes. You will find smiling faces staring back at you. The more you shut out the smiling faces, the harder it is to find them when you need them.