Drifting

I talk more now than before. Does she know who I am or even hear what I'm saying? Not usually. Does anyone else talk to her? Not really. She is still a person. She still has feelings and knows people are there. Does she realize they're there to see her? No, because they don't talk to her. They don't care about her. I never did until now. Even now, it just makes me sad and I talk out of pity and sadness. I talk because no one else does. I talk to pass the time. She likes to talk, but can't always listen. Even if she doesn't know me, she knows I'm there and that matters. Her state has improved. His state is no longer. She may know his state. She may not know his state. In the long run it was unfair. She wanted to go, but he didn't want her to. He went and what does she have? A few people who see her because they have to and not because they want to. It might be too hard for them to see her, which I understand, but make a small effort. She's still present physically. She wants to be with her family and not the family that can be seen or touched. She needs to be with her family. The new family she created was solid for a short period of time. Now is time for the old family to return as one. I hope it won't be as bad as we may think. I hope it's calm and gentle. I hope everyone is at peace with the ways things are. The way things will be.

The End

Death. What an ugly word. What an ugly thought. Some people bring it upon themselves and some people have no choice. It’s hard. It’s hard when you’re close enough to touch the person. It’s hard when you see the process. It’s hard. Memories bring smiles and laughter. Memories bring tears. Will it ever get easy? Will it ever be something the rest of us can live with? Will it ever be easy to see the one’s you love cry? Will it ever be easy to be the one crying?

Glass Box of Emotion

I just needed a place to vent and what better place than my blog. That's what it's here for right? So lately, I have been super blah. My job has got me really down because my boss is a total douche bag and everyone knows it and hates him except for the people that need to know to fire him. I wish they would know what he does and how he acts. He would be gone so fast if they knew. I'm not doing anything in this job that I was told I would be doing and it's not even something I want to be doing. I'm in the right place doing the wrong things. I sit in the production studio and yet, I don't do any production. Talk about dangling the goods in my face. I have been applying for new gigs, but as we all know there's nothing out there and the things that are out there are kind of blah. I'm at the age where I need to find something to stick with longer than a year or 2. I need to find a career and not just a place until the next place comes along. I do have to say that I'm lucky to be here though. This I know and have always known. It doesn't stop me from complaining about it, but trust that I know how lucky I am. My other company was pretty much going under and this gig popped into my lap. If that's not luck, what is? This job came at the perfect time. So it's not what I want to do, but it's an income that the majority of my fellow Californians lack. I make a small amount, but it's better than $0. So I guess I complain because I can....

I would like to think that once my job situation gets figured out, everything will be good again. I am so happy outside of work, but I spend more time at work than anywhere else. We all do. We see the people at work more than our own family. I hate the people and the work. It's time to move on, but where to? I guess only time will tell. I just have to keep applying and hope that my luck is still viable and will help me find something I love. They say the least you expect it, the more you're likely to get it. Magic cookie I would like a Monday through Friday gig that doesn't keep me working overtime or on weekends unless completely necessary that pays me pretty well and gives me decent benefits. I would be ok with that. I'm sure I speak for all of us with that wish. I can almost guarantee that if my boss wasn't my boss, I would be ok with working here. I get the great benefits and when I leave my office I never really need to check my email unless an event is going on. I never need to be at events or running anything during them, I just need to make sure it's smooth when it starts and then my work is done. That's kind of the dream job. Unfortunately, I'm bored and no one cares about what I'm trying to do here and I blame my boss for that. He tells people he doesn't care. No one will ever care with an attitude like that. Fingers crossed for change.

On top of the work thing, my grandpa has been in the hospital on and off of his death bed for a few weeks now. Basically, he took too many meds at once causing his stomach to bleed and now he has an incredibly contagious infection. I saw him for the first time yesterday and I had to wear a nurse's gown and gloves. I had to stand at a distance from him too. He's that contagious. I could also blame my intestinal issues on him. I got the bad genes with that for sure. I am having major issues with how this all went down as well. My grandpa did this to himself. He's the one that took too many meds at once. He wouldn't drink water or do what we told him to do and now he's incredibly sick and could die at any time if the infection isn't under control. The worst part; my grandma isn't completely there anymore and she just thinks he's been at the market this entire time. They both need assisted living, but my grandpa is so freaking stubborn that he won't go. He also keeps pulling his IV's out because he wants to go home. Well guess what, you can't. You will make your wife sick if you do. You will also kill yourself because there will be no one to force you to do anything the way the nurse's at the hospital do. He was complaining of a horrible headache and when the nurse brought him some Tylenol, he wouldn't take it. It makes me wonder if he understands the severity of what he's done to himself. Maybe, maybe not. It's just frustrating. I have no desire to visit him because I just don't care. I was never close with him. He calls my house at midnight wondering why no one is there visiting him. He's so stubborn and self centered.

I went on vacation recently and that was great. It was great to get away and not think about work. It was just great, but the second I was on that plane ride back, it all came flooding back. Sometimes, I wish the Mayan calendar was in fact a calendar and not a mathematical equation and the world would end so I wouldn't have to worry about the future, but then I realize how happy the rest of me is and that's just an excuse to be lazy. One day it will turn around. This I know. Nothing lasts forever. I do have my positive spurts here and there. I just wish they were more often.

Pirate Name

My pirate name is:

Bloody Ethel Cash

Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. You're musical, and you've got a certain style if not flair. You'll do just fine. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

The Dream Catcher

I used to have some really scary dreams when I was a kid. So scary that I would make my dad sleep in my bed and I would sleep with my mom in her bed. Finally, one day my mom got me a dream catcher to stop all the bad dreams. It worked really well. Of course we all have nightmares here and there. Some were even cool enough to write down and recant at any moment. I had a dream once where I was at a soccer tournament and people began disappearing and no one could figure out where the people were going. They would literally just vanish into thin air. Someone decided to start digging where the person had been standing when they vanished. They would dig until they found an open hole in the ground where they could see the person who had disappeared lying on their back covered up to their necks with a white cloth seemingly sleeping. The person would be rescued from the hole and they would have aged 5 years and they couldn’t remember a thing. It was a pretty sweet dream. I wrote it down and gave it to this guy who was a director and he said he could see it becoming a mini series or something. Whatever, I was young.

I haven’t had a dream like that in a long time. I would read stories and turn them into my own and write those down, but nothing was really coming from my dreams until the other night. I had a dream that I was an actor and we were on set filming a scene. I had become friends with this one crew guy and he and I realized we had the same taste in books. He handed me his favorite book about this guy who would turn into spiders and spy on people. Similar to the movie “It,” but the guy in the book wouldn’t eat the children. The crew guy told me his name was Michael and he showed me where he was staying while we were on location for the shoot and he let me check out his book collection. While I was in there, I found some very suspicious things. Eventually the dream goes on to show that the crew member was in fact the guy from the book and his name was actually Todd. It was pretty cool and I totally want to write it down. I usually write these things for fun, but it would be cool if one day they became something more. I tend to write them in script form so maybe I should try book form even though I have no clue how to do that. We shall see where it goes.

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Resolutions

I was never one to make new years resolutions. I never had any huge goals I wanted to achieve and if I did, I would try to achieve it right then and there. No one ever seems to stick to their new years resolutions anyway. People want to diet and they do it for a month and then stop or they want to paint their house and they pick out paint colors and then never paint. Well, I think I am capable of not dropping the ball on this one and therefore I am stating my new years resolution. I would like to read more. I have so many books sitting on my shelf that need to be read. The things that keeps me from them is the fact that I never really have time. I go to work and the go home or hang with friends and the only time to read is before bed and it makes me very tired and I get very little reading in. This year, I am going to make time to read. I have a list of books I would like to get through. We shall see where I am by the end of the year:

The DaVinci Code
The Lost Symbol
Angels and Demons
Atlas Shrugged
The Temperance Brenon Series
The Percy Jackson Series
Finish the Twilight Series (I know I know, but I started and never finished)
Books of Ember Series
The Den of Shadows Series
Julie and Julia
Sunshine
The Fairest of Them All
The Wild Things
Prophecy of the Sisters Trilogy (I have read the first book)
A Brave New World
The Illustrated Man

I'm sure there are more that I can't think of right now, but this is a good place to start.